I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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