Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
