i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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