I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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