I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
