to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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