dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
two words: eviction party
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
