I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
