i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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