shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
