If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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