there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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