May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
