i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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