my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
