i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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