Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
