Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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