I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
