No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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