dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
