So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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