I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
