I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
