sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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