You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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