He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
