chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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