I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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