Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
