why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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