Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
