I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
