My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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