Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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