trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
