I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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