I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just invented taco cereal.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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