I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
