remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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