That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Semen is not good for contacts.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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