I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
