If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
