I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
