New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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