i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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