I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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