do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
