Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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