I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Will you blow on my dice?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
