last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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