you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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