Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
